Detour

Nothing is ever as it seems. Plans, perceptions, any type of visions constantly change due to numerous circumstances that occur without a warning. All of the sudden, everything one thought it is, it is not. Life is simply an adjustment to ever-changing nature of existence. Detours signify the elemental core of life and the abstract pathway we all think we follow, always become blurred with obstacles carrying us on the side roads. As long as there is some type of an exit strategy on the blocked roads, we keep on marching ahead. Once the wall is elevated in front of us, somehow we manage to climb over it or take another way around it. However, even when one is standing still, the movement continues in our minds while we search for the ways out. Consequently, my adventure keeps on going in some other unexpected place with a new direction on the horizon. Living never stops as long as there is a heartbeat echoing in our chest.


Past two weeks have been filled with hospital visits in two different countries, yet there is so much more happening. I am spending time with my family in this bizarre situation filled with ups and downs. Comforting and supporting each other, we have managed to stabilize our emotions in this tragic time in my family. A person that all of us thought is practically invincible and full of life, ended up wounded, massively. At times, we think she will come back to us, while sometimes crippling fear of loss enters abruptly causing a state of helplessness. This unexpected detour altered several lives in the most painful way, yet we fight and refuse to give up in every spectrum of our beings. But none of this can compare to the agony my grandma finds herself in. Living but unaware of herself most of the time, going in and out during her own adventure, the adventure of finding herself once again. And all we can do is sit tightly awaiting for the signs of her presence. There are good and bad days, but as long as we have those days they count.

I have learnt quite a lot, or at least I think I did. Reinforcement of who I am and the role I play in this micro universe of mine, has made me feel more significant and more in charge. The usual lack of self-confidence has disappeared because the knowledge that someone else depends on you staying strong and coherent gives you some type of strength that keeps carrying you day by day. I have casted all of my needs and wants aside for someone else and this has made me more present, more alive. Tragedies show the real character of a person and I think I managed quite well to become an important tool in the toolbox offered at this time. Perhaps, my egoistic nature reveals itself in the most obscure way, but as long as I use it to the good of others, I have succeeded to turn bad into good. So, the detour became the main road, taking me into some unpredictable waters that I will gladly swim.

The Problems I Have

When two irrational people are put together, only the irrational results are expected. It is like a mathematical equation filled with logic and definite outcome. Thats me plus Amber equals well, something of a comical yet, disastrous nature. Here we are at the beginning of our trip, already experiencing odd adventures. Today, we made it down to Sarajevo, the capital of BiH. The ride from BL took a little bit over 5 hours, since we had some technical difficulties. Nothing runs smoothly around here which is expected but just when you think you have seen it all, something peculiar occurs. First, when we got on the bus there were no seats since the efficient transportation industry and its workers had sold more tickets that there are seats available. So, far an hour, we had to stand crammed up. After a literally 5 minute drive, we were forced to stop since the bus driver forgot to fill up the tank. After good 20 minutes, we have finally resolved to head out. As if it was not convenient enough, Amber starts showing signs of nausea, making curious passengers attentive. After few offers to sit down, she finally accepted. While she was getting herself together, I started a conversation with a girl that let her sit. As it is a custom here, somehow down the line one finds something in common with another person, something austerely familiar.


The conversation took us to so many different places from the war experiences, to current and future lifestyles. However, the theme at times was gloomy and ironic as we were pointing out the things that are going wrong with this country and the only way out is unfortunately getting out. She was telling me about instances how corrupted and deeply disturbing political system is. We agreed on a lot of things and involved Amber after some heavy talks. After that she tried to point out our not so famous or not so accepted or even real pyramids older than the Egyptian once. Hoax or not, it brought light to the darkness of this nation. I could not help but think how different my life is living in a privileged world. I have never really felt a sense of an honest gratitude that the US has to offer, but the escape to the land of free, it really is just that. Diaspora ignores the devastations and hindrance of progress continuously recurring on daily basis effecting the lives of our countrymen.


Earlier before heading out of BL, I had another conversation with the cleaning lady at my aunt's house. Shes originally from Croatia, ended up in Banja Luka through the property exchange process that relocated many people within the ex YU. She shared the difficulties she has with paying her debts and taking care of three children in this different world of cyber culture. She sees no future for her oldest son who is intelligent by nature but challenging to take care off. All this real talk about real lives that are unveiling in this region seem more drastic and sad than the lives carried on during the war. At least, the "enemies" were tangible, now the abstract worries attack and no clear future is ahead. How many conversations do we need to have to realize that change is necessary more than water? When are people going to take things in their hands and get rid of the criminal opportunists that rule this country promising only nationalism and pay cut?? I am trying to make some sense out of this all with a hope that there is some type of a positive solution but it seems that things are unchangeably worse.
Here we are on this trip simply because we can, while there are people around who await for their salary for more than 16 months, patiently still attending their work posts in hopes that they might just get paid or maintaining their jobs because they will not be able to get another one. Is it out of desperation that a person gets up every morning to go to work knowing that he or she will not get paid or is it simply a clingy nature of us humans to keep whatever we can in order to preserve some type of appearances?


Then after initial incidents with our bus, we were moved to a different bus for an unknowing reason; just another hiccup in the transportation industry. When we finally made it to the capital, somehow we ended up in the shittiest cafe possible. After getting charged for the bags in the cab, I simply took it not as a robbery but as a person trying to get anything out of anyone to survive. I guess. It gives me some hope that there are still honest, hard working people. He was a douche but I did not want to argue over any principals tonight, so I let it go.
Finally, when we arrived to my relative's apartment our backs took a break from oversized backpacks and loads of other shit we are dragging with us. As it is the case, everything takes forever here, even the washing machines and dryers. We did not get a chance to completely dry our laundry so, discretely we laid out all the wet clothes we had around my cousin's room because the rack for drying was taken. And reserved me, would not ask for any hangers, so we spread it around an entire room. At least, it smells good and hopefully it will dry by tomorrow. These are my "problems".